Is there such a thing as sanity? In this crazy fucked up world of ours, is there really a middle ground, a place where we can find hope, hope in ourselves, hope in the future? I have been on this speck of dust for 32 years now, and the more I learn about this thing called life, the more my faith in the human potential diminishes.
I want to believe. Seriously, I want to believe that there is a point to this game we play. I have tried to follow two religious paths, tried being a nationalist. Hell, I’ve even tried being an anarchist. But none of it, and I mean none of it, seams to have any real meaning. Any depth.
Now, I know the phrase, “You get out of it what you put in.” I have put my whole self in, or out there, countless times, and all I have are scars and what is left of my fading memories.
Am I crazy for thinking that there is a better way? That the whole Eden story is the casting of ourselves from the reality that the Earth is paradise and it’s us humans who make it hell? Everyone fucking one of us has our own vision of perfection. Is that the problem? Are we so many trying to do so much at the same time that we create chaos?
I remember years ago thinking how great it would be to be there on the last day of humanity, at the final moment, just so I could look who ever was left in the face and say, “Was it really worth it?”. Now, years later, I want to grab every person I meet by the shoulders and scream “Wake up! This is for real.”
I don’t believe in god. I wish I could. I debate the existance of god with myself constantly because I want to believe there is something out there watching over us, something that knows all the answers, something that will make sense of all this when I die. But it doesn’t help me feel any better, because every version of god I have learned about is so flawed it’s impossible to not smell the human ego of it’s creator all over it.
The same goes for nationalism. Who the fuck drew all these imaginary lines all over the planet and said this is mine, that is yours? I know so many people who are caught up in the my country is better then yours attitude that I often feel like maybe something is wrong with me because I really don’t give a rat’s ass about this or any other country.
All I know, all I see as real, is that we are all there is. There is no little green men coming to advance our civilization in the nick of time, there is no eternal whatever floating out there waitng to save us from ourselves. We are all alone, floating on a speck of dust in a sea of infinity. We have all we need, and we have each other.
Maybe I’m fucking nuts, but I find the idea of us being on our own far more freeing then any of the stories we are told to believe in. Let’s stop for a second and consider this: we are animals evolved to and with our environment, which is a thin layer on the outside of an immense rock, floating around a sphere of burning gases. We have a rudimentary understanding at best of our surroundings, and those surroundings are limited in their ability to sustain us. We seem to have this evolved ability, at least from our perspective, that only we have called consciousness. We live relatively short life spans, must constantly breath, shit and feed. We are 100% dependant on the thin layer wrapped around the rock for our survival.
Now, with all this in mind consider one other thing: we are able, through our imaginations and ingenuity to create pretty much any existance we want, within the limits of our biology. And yet this is what we have created. A world filled with hatred, division and greed. A world that hangs under the constant threat of anihilation through war and pollution. A world in which our fairy tales are used to justify horrific acts of barbarism and our own creations control us.
Let me make this as clear as possible. We are all alone. The universe has existed for a very long time without us and wiil continue to exist long after we are gone. Politics, religion, economics are all our creations. We are still animals of the environment in which we exist.
But so what, right? How trite a veiw of the world. A truly aware person plays the game to their advantage, they don’t sit and debate if it’s real or not, because it is obviously real. Wars are happening even as we speak, money is being made. The economic forces are pushing too hard to stop, and what is the alternative anyway?
We have learned nothing from our religions. We have gained nothing from our nation-states. We seek our identities in the falsehoods of our creations. Why? Because at the end of the day it’s just easier to put our faith in our institutions then it is in ourselves.
Look around you, see all that we have created. We have changed the world. We have shaped and altered our environment. We have just done these things for all the wrong reasons. We have poisoned ourselves, our environment, for momentary “gains”.
Is there an alternative? Of course. It’s all in our perspectives. If we see ourselves as trapped, if we believe we must play the games, if we continue to prop up the institutions that divide us, then we are just that, trapped. But if we come together, if we shake off the yoke and put our minds to it, we can make any world we want.
Think about this: most of our “advances” have been driven by lust and hatred through war. What if we focused that same energy into peace and survival. We are learning, hopefully not too late, about the fragile nature of our environment and ourselves. But we have to let go of the institutions that divide us. We have to view our religions and governments with skepticism and dissect them to find why we created them in the first place and what good they have served.
If there is any point behind the evolution of our consciouness, it is awareness. The awareness that our suvival is completely dependant on us. We as creatures, maybe for the first and possibly only time, are completely responsible for ourselves. And we have seemingly endless possiblity. We have dedicated so much energy to destruction, what would happen if we dedicated that same energy to understanding and development?
I will end this rant with one last thought. Our yearning to understand and develop a relationship with god is the story of the yearning to understand and develop a relationship with ourselves. God didn’t create us in it’s image, we created god in our image in order to be able to study ourselves. Fine. Let’s truly examine ourselves and what we have done for the past 100,000 years. Let’s actually learn the folly of our ways and quit making the same mistakes before the cost of failure becomes too great.
Will it be worth it?