Archive for December, 2007

once upon a time….

December 24, 2007

In case you just emerged from a coma it’s Christmas eve. Tomorrow morning the baby Jesus will rise from the pumpkin patch and give all the good boys and girls boiled eggs that explode into dazzling fireworks displays. Not really, but that would be pretty cool. Actually tomorrow is about discovering what a fat white man left for you under a dying tree after breaking into your house and possibly kissing your mother.

This is a strange time of year for me. I get those “holiday blues”, which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense because I am doing pretty well right now. Maybe it’s that longing for days gone by, the regrets of the past year, or angst about the year to come. To counter the annoying sense of despair I seem saddled with, I went a little Christmas ape-shit.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not tacky enough to go all Griswold. Our lights outline the roof and chimney, and I did a little number on a tree in the front yard reminiscent of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. We do have three trees in the living room though. One seven foot, one three foot, both fake. And one two foot ceramic tree that my parents bequeathed to me this year. The ceramic tree was always in our living room growing up, and so it kind of symbolizes this time of year for me. Now it sits in our living room. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll pass it on to our kid. I did go a little overboard on the presents, but who’s going to complain? Just doing my part to fight terrorism by participating in capitalism.

Getting into the decorating spirit has been good for me. And I don’t care if it’s a religious holiday, or who stole who’s festival and co-opted who’s symbols. Put up lights on everything! Go ahead and put a manger in your yard, a pentagram or a giant lit up dreidel. Just go with it. How often is it not only ok, but encouraged, to decorate your house in crazy lights? Why pass up a chance to give gifts to the one’s you love?

And the music. I have had Christmas music living in the stereo since the day after Thanksgiving. I found this set called “Ultimate Christmas Cocktails” and it’s the swankest Christmas music around. What I want to know is, what ever happened to caroling? We used to go caroling in my neighborhood growing up. All of us kids would stand there singing at the doorways of strangers, then go right inside for fudge and cookies, and on to the next house. I even sometimes want to go to church this time of year for the singing. I wonder if they sing at midnight mass.

Anyhow, add the food, the drinks and the fact that I got the week off, and this holiday season thing rocks. Hell yes Merry Christmas. I’ll celebrate damn near anything that gets me out of work. Hanukah would be a lot more popular if people got those eight days to sit at home and get pissed drunk.

One thing I have been thinking about this year is traditions. This is most likely our last winter just the two of us. After this it’s all about the little one. We have always enjoyed quiet Christmas mornings, just us and some coffee. In a few years it will be paper shredding, squeals of joy and a lot of picture taking. And we will have to start visiting relatives for the holidays, the horror. But at least I’ll finally have an excuse to go toy shopping.

If only it would snow. Start an ice age if need be, I just want some damn snow tomorrow morning. We need to move further north. Right now it’s just cold. Really cold, like stay in the house because there is no reason to go outside because there isn’t any snow to play in so why suffer cold. I miss sledding. It’s a great feeling, the wind on your face as you barrel out of control faster and faster down a hill side, screaming with exhilaration and fear. Plus building snowmen, and snow forts for the snow ball fights. I remember all of it, and it was fun. I would suffer snow shoveling to give our child those memories.

Hope you got tomorrow off work. If you don’t, I hope you are at least getting holiday pay. What ever you do this year, spend some time with those you love. Me, I’ll be curled up with the mrs. and a glass of hot rum and cider.

Merrappy ChristmaHanaFestivuKwanzaKa!

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And the answer is….

December 16, 2007

Woot! I have swimmers! What am I talking about? Well, the last step of my vasectomy reversal was checking to see if everything worked, as in did the doctor successfully fix my plumbing. And he did.

So, with that, me and the mrs. are officially baby makin’. Which isn’t as easy as it sounds. You see, when the kid is an accident there is no stress up front because creating your heir isn’t part of your thought process. But when you ARE trying to give the little shit life, suddenly you start thinking a little too hard, no pun intended. And for those of you who don’t know how men work, there is only so much blood to go around, so it’s either keeping something stiff or helping something think about keeping something else stiff. The enemy of a hard on is thought. That pretty much sums up men in general.

But thankfully after a try or two the stress of it all can be overcome (a little Gin helps). And with that let the games begin! What I find most strange is learning about the female side of the equation. When is the best time to find a lonely egg looking for a good time? Don’t get me wrong, I took Biology in high school, so I understand the process, but it is a little intimidating when your wife declares she is primed and we better get to it because the window of opportunity is, um, open.

Now the waiting game begins. I have read so many sites and talked with every parent I know, and they all say the same thing: we just have to let nature take its course. Which pretty much sucks ass because I have the patience of a two year old.

That about sums it up for now. Think happy, and little bit dirty, thoughts for us. We will be working away with vigor. Oh, before I forget, I have a funny story:

Back in June, when we started this process, a little church down the road left a flier on our door. It was for vacation Bible school. About two weeks later two women came knocking as a follow up.

I open the door to see who it is, and there stands two nice ladies, hair up in buns, no makeup, dresses to the ground, lace up to their chins with long sleeves. In the middle of summer in Texas. I like to call their outfits the American burka. They looked as if they had just been farted out of Little House on the Prairie.

But they were pleasant, and I was not raised by wolves, so I said hello and asked what I could do for them both. They in turn asked if I had read their flier and wanted to know if I would be sending any of my offspring to their vacation Bible school. To which I replied with honesty and a big grin, “Well, we don’t have any children just yet, but we are trying just as hard as we can.”

The two women giggled for just a second or two, then tried with all their might to stop smiling as they both turned bright red. It was priceless. They quickly said good-day, still trying not to crack a smile and went on down the street.

Anyhow, that is that and until next time, stand in front of the mirror naked, turn on some music and dance.