Archive for November, 2007

Is that all?

November 6, 2007

Being a lost cause aside, I am also a nervous person. I have a test in two days, a very important test. And I hate tests. What the hell am I talking about, right?

In two days I get to ejaculate in a cup and see if the vasectomy reversal I had last month worked. Now, I won’t actually know the results for another week and a half. So that’s my big surprise, we are trying to conceive. Not really a big surprise except to one person, but she doesn’t read this blog, I hope.

Oh, and in case you didn’t know I had a vasectomy when I was 24. Pretty young, I know. People change, we grow and our priorities change as well. There was a time when the thought of being a father horrified me. But as I have grown older, it has become apparent to me that my distaste for reproducing was in reality a fear of becoming the parent I hated in my parents. It was never about not wanting kids so much as not wanting to relive the family experience I had growing up. I was projecting my worst fears onto reality, in the process denying my true inner feelings.

But in reflecting on my current situation, I am in both an entirely different relationship with my spouse and economic situation overall. I know what I hated about my childhood. And the majority of the things I hate were in direct relation to my parents relationship with each other and consequently with me. Now, I am in no way claiming that I will be a better parent then them, because being better or worse is not my intent. I just don’t want to repeat their mistakes. If I screw up, fine, we are all human. Just please let me be a human who is smart enough to learn how to not repeat bad behavior.

On the other hand, there’s also many things about my childhood that I loved. I hope to repeat those and pass on happy memories to our kid. That word, memories. A good friend once said that life is about the memories. We can make good ones or bad ones. I am starting to understand the wisdom in that, the making of memories. But that’s getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s just say that for the first time in a long time I find myself in a happy place, a peaceful place. I am nervous and all that, but I am also excited. And I feel incredibly lucky to have such an amazing and wonderful spouse to share this experience with.

Before anything else though, there is the test. I just hope my little swimmers are up for the challenge. As for why I had the vasectomy in the first place, that’s for another time. Let’s just say for now that some people would compare me to a Nazi, a slave owner, and a tyrant. But then, some people a just crazy like that. Just crazy.