first post of the new year

January 8, 2005

happy “nothing has fucking changed so why celebrate being one year closer to death” new year.

yes, time rolls on. new year’s eve for me in the past was always about getting loaded and hoping next year didn’t suck as bad as the year before.

however, me and the wife got married on new year’s eve three years ago and now i have a reason to really enjoy the day. this past year was tough, what with the election and all. but sharing it with my wife made it easier to stomach. i love you honey. thank you for three wonderful years. thank you for being the freak that you are.

marriage has changed my view of life. i used to not care if there was a tomorrow. now i plan for it. i used to not care about being successful, now i look forward to finishing college (one year left!) so me and the wife can move on and enjoy the fruits of our labor. i even used to look forward to death (those wonderful army days), but now i look forward to enjoying many wonderful experiences with anna.

marriage doesn’t make the bad things go away. but having someone in your life who loves you inspite of how you look (and smell) first thing in the morning makes it easier to deal with the bad things. having someone to build a life with, a real life, makes facing the day a little easier.

so in the name of love i am reposting a poem i wrote for anna.

my saturated soul feels like wet leather on a winter day
forming a frozen crusty shell trapping me in this hellish
tantrum of self creating negativity i yearn to be free
only when i see that you love me do i remember i am free
are you sad to see me weak down on one knee
do you require more of me for i am all that you see
all of me in and outside of me i am strong when i need to be
but deep inside of me i cry out of fright everything that happens
around me is scaring me

am i older than i was yesterday it slipped away from me like every other day
inside of me i feel the same yet outside me is changing steadily
i’ll grow old gracefully no need to work on me
even the worst of me is still part of all you see
when i look at you i feel my shell softening your healing me
am i greedy possibly needy to be so deeply connected to your being
or is the feeling i’m understanding merely the shifting deep in me
love sets us free transforming me together we can
be that which we are meant

everyday is testing me pushing me my mind plays tricks on me
constantly doubting everything questioning this is part of me
crazy to be looking and wondering it makes accepting
hard for me but that is only the life we are all casually
drfting through frantically reaching out anchors searching
for the bottom of this sea of infinity coming up empty
what will be become of me

so we form this trinity you and me and everybody
we all look inside and see whats happening the universe singing
quietly as time drifts by lazily we can grab a moment of ecstacy
our love the fire burning bright against the darkness of reality
what else is there sweeter in life than the taste of your lips
touching me that wave of energy momentarily existing in eternity
it may never be but for the instant glimpsed with the blinking eye
but it is all i need

what i find facinating is that you have seen the worst of me
bursts of me and you still love all of me completely
seeing me not what i could be should be but simply the me
that you see when you look at me and you loving me is everything
i could see myself ever needing i love you all of you everything even the things
you don’t think i see like you see deep inside of me
that is how we set each other free


2 Responses to “first post of the new year”

  1. shelley Says:

    Awww. *sniff* That’s beautiful, Monkey. You and Anna are very fortunate to have one another.

  2. anna Says:

    what can i say? i got lucky when i found this one.

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